Sorry

My story starts before I was old enough to realize what was going on. My story will be about my parents’ divorce. They divorced when I was 2 years old, so I did not understand. But throughout my life, it really did end up affecting me later in my life. My dad was always present & still is, but when I was growing up I wanted to do things as a family but was unable to because they were not together. I grew up questioning if I was at fault for something that I had no control over.it made me feel worried and confused for period of my like, and although I did not feel it impact at that exact moment, it did. I had so many things to say it but found about comfort in other things.it broke my heart 100 more times when I grew up & realized the reason they divorced. I also felt very betrayed when I found out my mom was going out with my now stepdad. I am very happy that I have a brother, but sometimes I wish it could have happened under better circumstances. I often hear my dad mention much he how really loved and missed my mom during the divorce. Although I did not have an exact” Troubled” childhood, I had a stressful one. My parents telling me all these adult impactful feelings from such an early age really hurt me and made me mature too fast. I think this may also be the root and reason behind I now have so much interest in childish things now, because I did not have the chance to often as a child. 

Seeing my dad every other weekend was not bad, I loved it. He would take me out every time he saw me, and we would do all these things and have so much fun. But it is now when I am older that I see that it wasn’t as good as I remember. He was just filling the void. He was a single dad up until I was 12. He went 10 years without being able to find someone to spend time with. Nobody but his daughter. My dad loves me unlike no other, even though my mom says no one loves you more than your mother. But he had cool friends who would come with us occasionally. Because of him I have seen all these places I would have never seen with my mom, who is more of a homebody. But when I was around 7 or 8, I realized how miserable he had been alone. I stood behind his chair while he was working on the computer to see how it had felt to live in a tiny apartment alone and I realized how awful it must feel. That stayed in my heart for a while. I had felt guilty. I had all these questions that filled my mind. What if I were never born, would they have still been together? Was I the reason they divorced? I wasn’t sure, but I threw it behind my mind anyways. I was always aware of what was wrong to say and what wasn’t. Those questions simply should not be asked. He reminded me often that him and my mom were meant to be and the divorce hit him hard. He burnt everything after the divorce, he was depressed. The older pictures of me as a baby with my dad in them show him being chubby. I noticed after my mom left him, he would jump weights, skinny, fat, big, small. But I never said anything. My dad had anger issues when I was younger. I think he was just really stressed all the time; I was never sure why and I’m still not sure why to this day.