Sorry

My life has changed drastically in the last year, and I’m ashamed to admit that it hasn’t been in the most positive way. Senior year has had its highs, but has mainly consisted of lows. The biggest reason for this is that I’ve strayed away from my Catholic faith. The loss has affected every part of my life, from my attitude towards everyday moments to my relationship with others. However, I haven’t lost hope that I’ll gather the courage and strength one day to return to the One whom I know loves me most and desires the best for me.

Temptation is a tricky thing. I hadn’t really struggled with it on a large scale until these past few years, because I was brought up in the Catholic faith by my mom since I was little. I’ve always had a deep love for God, because I’d been raised knowing who He is and what He does for us. I know that He is the Light that overcomes the darkness, that He is capable of breathing galaxies into creation and yet still chooses to focus on our affairs, to comfort us in the midst of our strife. And even now I, though I sin against Him, continue to believe that He is the source of all joy, that His plan is greater than that we could ever begin to dream of. He is the greatest artist, the most loving Savior. He is Goodness in its entirety. And yet, I’ve chosen to turn away from Him. In less than a year, He went from being my All, to being someone I barely talk to during the day. Out of pride and vanity, I separated myself from His protection, and I knew from the start that it was a mistake. I chose and am still choosing temporary pleasure in the place of eternal joy. 

I deal with inner turmoil almost every day now. My heart aches from guilt and fear. How could I have betrayed my Lord so gravely? Even worse, how have I not turned away from my sin yet, when each day God longs for me to return and offers me the virtues necessary to repent? 

It started small. I stopped wearing my brown scapular because I didn’t like the way it looked with my clothes. Then I began caring a lot more about my appearance. Whispers of I need to change this, and I have to have that, in order to be happy got into my heart and head. I did not correct them but instead attempted to appease them. I was slowly but surely putting myself as number one and not God. Afterwards, I stopped praying the Rosary. I know Satan specifically rejoiced in this one, because He hates the Virgin Mary, our beautiful, pure mother. She guides us closer to her holy Son, Jesus Christ, and protects us from harm. She is our most powerful aid, after Jesus, in living a life in accordance with the Holy Spirit. I did not make time for her, and the devil saw his chance. I eventually stopped praying almost all together. By being consumed by the things of this world, I’ve become selfish. It feels like I have no time for others, when the reality is, we’re called to dedicate our lives to service and love. 

This is where I am now. I’m alive and breathing, praise the Lord, but for what good if I do not change my ways? By not putting God first in my life, I am setting myself up for failure. How can I expect a successful, good future, when I am cutting myself off from the source of all Happiness Himself? Everything pales in comparison to Him. If you lose Him, you’ve lost everything worthwhile. Furthermore, I’ve condemned myself to Hell as of now, because I haven’t repented and gone to Confession. So not only will I experience pain interiorly as a consequence of my actions, but I will also feel it in its utmost fullness if I were to die in the state of sin that I am in now. Without God, there is no purpose, because it all draws back to Him. Everything, except Him, comes and goes, and is without certainty. He is the only solid ground, the One who was there from the beginning, is now, and will always be.

I know God hasn’t abandoned me in my sin. If experiencing this distress is what’s necessary for me to stop being stupid and give myself up to Him, then it is more of a blessing rather than a curse. God knows that it is better for me to suffer now but ultimately go to Heaven than to live numbly and suffer for all eternity in Hell. He is my hope. The only reason I keep trying in life is because I pray that I’ll end up back with Him one day.

However, I do not know how long I have left. None of us do. To say, “I’ll repent and go to Confession a month from now” is not only a gamble on our souls but also an immense disrespect towards God’s mercy. Therefore, the time to change is now. The more we put it off, the more we give Satan the opportunity to draw us further away from God. It might even get to the point where we lose sight of who He is, where we stop believing we are in trouble and in need of His grace. How then will we ask for help if we’ve convinced ourselves that we do not need it to begin with? So, as advice for both you and I, let’s really live and follow God’s will.