Sorry

Happiness is so confusing. As life is full of happy moments and memories, happiness isn’t forever. It fluctuates. But the world has created a place where you must be happy, if you aren’t happy you are not successful. Growing up I had the “perfect life” not that I didn’t have problems but we were together, as a family. My parents had good jobs and we had a happy home. Life was full of love and joy. I’ve always been very mature, sometimes I forget my own age. I hangout with older kids, I grew up with them. When kids my age were playing with dolls I was over that 2 years ago. My first year of middle school I struggled with decision making, my friends were doing it so why couldn’t i? I found myself following what was wrong. I noticed so much change in myself: I was never home, I was lost. My friend group was so toxic and full of drama and hate. There were endless fights physically and emotionally. We were barely teenagers. In February of 2021 I got in a huge fight with a group of kids; I lost it; I was so hurt. I then had a manic episode where I cut all my hair off. I remember being at another kid’s house. They had said it was a good idea, encouraging me. I don’t remember much, I remember cutting a small piece off first. Then I just went for it. After all my emotions started to flood through. I not only hated what was on the inside but now the outside. Questions fluttered in: “ Why would you ever do that?”, and “Amelia you used to be so pretty.” Many people unfollowed me, and blocked me. I texted my mom a picture and she answered with nothing but anger. I went home and got yelled at. My parents were so disappointed. I was so angry with myself.  My parents purely wanted to protect me and my heart. My mom told me she wanted to take all my pain away, and I’d do the same for her. They asked me why I had done it but I couldn’t even answer. Why did I do it? I didn’t know at the time but looking back I needed change; I was craving this feeling that I’d lost. I was no longer a little girl. That night I prayed- I prayed this was only a dream, I prayed for strength and poise. The day after I cut my hair a hairstylist came to my house, and she made me giggle. I was not confident with my hair but she brought me joy.  There were many decisions I could’ve made that would have put me in such a worse place. I’m glad cutting my hair was as far as I went.  I fell into such a low place, I was always crying, and sometimes I was in so much pain I felt nothing. I wouldn’t talk, only listen. I had lost all of my confidence. Nothing left in me. I no longer felt like there was a place for me on earth. What made life worth living? I remember everyone mocking me in the halls. They thought I did it for fun but when they asked why I did it I stayed quiet. I had nothing left to give. Everyone thought I was ok but I wasn’t. I kept pushing even through that hard time. I continued making bad decisions. My parents supported me through it all; they weren’t angry, they just didn’t want to to be that low and didn’t want me to be made fun of. Paton humbled me. I was so young. He made me feel love and support. He didn’t feel bad – he saw the good in me, when no one else did. He built my confidence. Paton always tells me to rally. He helped me accept my path and the place I was in. Paton kept me busy; there was  no sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. And it helped. I would like to thank my whole family. This was a traumatizing, confusing experience for all of us, but I would not do it without the support of them. I thank god because Paton saw me in a low place and brought my spark back. God knew I needed my family. It’s ok to be low and hurt, but it’s not ok to stay in that place. I wanted to be happy. Today I am happy because of Paton – because of his love, comfort and strength. He has saved my life. making everyday worth living. I always told myself that my story wasn’t as important because I didn’t necessarily have a reason to hurt. But now I realize my story isn’t any less important. Every single person has a story and everyone deserves to be heard. I learned that what matters isn’t on the outside but on the inside. I once heard from someone named Lucy that “ a pretty face is nothing without a kind heart.” My story matters. Your story matters. I matter. You matter. After this I promised myself that I would never be this low again. I refuse to fall back into the place I worked so hard to get out of. I am strong, I am worthy, I am alive.