Sorry

Heavily breathing * *Heavily panting  * throwing up sounds*. This is just the beginning, this is my story. Its started in 4th grade when i first threw up when i first realized something was wrong with me. When i would eat i throw up when i starve myself when i haven’t eaten all day. I became so weak trying not to show my weakness  i wanted help just never knew how. I became so insecure i wanted to hide every part of my body i wanted it to all go away. I would wait until my family would stop eating. I would eat little bits or not touch my food at all and threw it away or go to the back of my house or apartment and wait until everyone out of my sight and throw up over and over again. I was terrified that someone would find out and pity me or be handled I  hated people. When i got back to school everyone would make fun of me calling me names as noodle arms, stick, nutella because I looked so sick I got dumped into trash cans I was told that this is where I belong that this is my home and i should stay there. I tried to speak up but i couldn’t I didńt have any energy to. 1 year later,I was not worse than i was but i started to doubt myself alot and i started hurting myself even more. I started to burn myself. I had a thought in my mind that is still there to this day that if i left that everyone would be happy and they would forget that I was even here. I only burn myself when i want to feel the pain. The pain make me feel needed that i have something to live for. I stopped my problems and started working on my grades and I  made new friends that actually cared about me. I still have doubts I have slipped a few times but rarely. My greatest fear is people leaving me or betraying me. My friends has helped me alot will my problem I could trust trust them with anything. I sometimes fake my smile and my laugh when i’m feeling down or needed. My mind still goes to dark thoughts but i become better. And so i’m going to leave with this quote from Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls  “I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that’s the problem. When you’re alive, people can hurt you. It’s easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It’s easier to lock everybody out.

But it’s a lie.”  bye.