Sorry

Originally, I started a playwriting project for a competition, and when the deadline came and went, I decided to finish it to help me heal. A lot has happened to me that I’ve been trying to move past, and it’s working, to an extent. I finished about two and a half scenes before I had to put the project on pause.

What do I mean by analyzing myself and trying to grow? Scene one was a recreation of a fight, scene two was about how I wished the other person had thought during these fights, and if they did feel that way, it wasn’t shown. Scene three hit me harder than the others. I had to improve myself; the character I built, based on me, is going through some growth or change, but how? I feel like I haven’t grown. Some of this stuff still affects me as if it happened yesterday, and it feels so dumb. I know I can’t get over it in two seconds, but I’d like to feel like I’ve grown in some way.

The stupidest things can make me break: certain heels, Mitski, a specific part of the 400 building, dry texting, room 778, robotics competitions, the paint closet, a large glass marble, the red hotel on the beach, almond croissants. Literally, the most random things can shut me down for hours. I haven’t had a little “episode” in so long, but I feel like one is coming soon. So many small things can bring me back to certain situations, and I hate it so much.

I don’t know, I’m just so tired of being careful with what I say or overthinking how long it will take to get out of it. It’s so hard to talk about this stuff out loud. Like, watching The Princess Diaries made me break down for six hours a year ago. Or one time, I was being hugged slightly off, and I had to hide tears for a whole three-hour drama meeting two years ago. Only two people know half of it all, and one of them caused half of the things that can still mess me up.

I don’t know if I have it in me to finish, but I know I’ll feel better if I try instead of avoiding it.

Someone who has been helping me through this is my girlfriend. Her understanding of psychology, as well as her openness to listen to what I have to say, has been so helpful. Instead of pushing me away and ignoring me, she cares enough to listen. I genuinely appreciate her more than she will ever know. When I’m upset over nothing or frustrated with the people around me, I always need to break it down to understand both sides. She listens to what I say and gives insightful input. Being closed off is something I’m so used to because of the people around me and how they’d shut me out when I tried to help. In the long run, she’s healed me in a way I’m still trying to fully figure out.

I could express more about the new laws and being more reserved with myself because I’m me, and I’m different, but that’s okay.