Sorry

Have you ever sat in a room alone with just yourself, and started to think about who you really are? Well I did, and it was really stressful. Discovering who I was and who I wanted to become is still a question I ask myself many times, but I have a clever idea of the answer now. During the pandemic in 2020 I started to lose myself, or maybe I never found myself?.  Struggles and dead ends where all I could find. My parents and family members gave me their backs, so I was all alone trying to figure out if I wanted to be me, or who they wanted me to be. 

First, during the beginning of the pandemic my mind was all occupied with school and just school work. So when my free time came I started to think if I knew myself entirely. During this time, a past memory came to mind. When I was 5 years old a friend and I were playing the “mom and dad” kind of game and suddenly between the games, I don’t really recall what happened, but the next thing I know is that we were kissing. After remembering this my thoughts were all about, “did it mean something to me?” “Does she remember it?”. At first I stopped thinking about it, until I saw her again. She was in front of me, but her perspective was different from mine. I felt like hugging her, but I restrained myself from doing so.  Not long after, my mind was processing the past events all over again. Just wanting to understand myself, and if what I felt was who I was or just a “phase” like my parents and others called it. 

Furthermore, social media was all I could rely on during this period. I looked at people who seemed very confident and happy of who they are. The thing is, I saw them like they knew who they were since the beginning. Like, I was the only one in the entire world confused about their sexuality and else. Seeing them made me feel insignificant and repulsive. My mind was exhausted from thinking every day about the same thing,”Will I find who I am, and be comfortable with it?”  “Will I be accepted someday?” And with this in mind I cut all connections with the only person I needed the most, my best friend. 

Afterwards, I decided to change, to be more like the people I saw on social media. I wanted to fit in society, I didn’t want to feel like an outsider who did not belong. Being me wasn’t an option, obviously. So I started to change by acting more simpatic, more social with people. Usually, I’m a very antisocial person and not into physical contact, but with what I thought was the “best option” I pretended that I was okay with all of that. 

The year went by, and 4 months later I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore, I needed a break. No, I needed to be me, I needed to find me. From my perspective, It was hard to accept the fact that I wasn’t even a bit like the people I saw on social media. After recalling all I did and pretended to be comfortable with in the past months, I realized that loving myself has not being one of my priorities in the last few months, and in reality it never was. I was so focused on making others happy that I forgot my happiness. I forgot that I was just a teenager trying to figure out who she was and what she liked. Consequently, I texted my best friend again, she was like a fallen angel who came to my rescue when I needed it the most. She listened to all I needed to say, to all I needed to cry and let out. 

Finally, I had my mind clear, I knew that I was just a person finding its path in life. I believed that love didn’t and doesn’t have gender. So after everything I was just happy and confident with myself. I told everything to my parents, well not everything but the most important points. At first my dad didn’t handle it well, He believed that a woman is meant for a man and vice versa. I wanted to shout at him and tell him that liking the same gender wasn’t anything wrong, Being myself was not wrong. On the other hand, my mom was and is one of the most supportive persons I have ever met in my short lifetime. She just told me, “As long as you are happy and safe I don’t care who you end up with” this was one of the main reasons I felt more confident than ever about who I was. 

So if you ever feel like you don’t fit in society, don’t worry. You are still starting to learn to live your life. Figuring out who you are is something that takes time, is not something you take lightly, is a process where you will value each fact about yourself. At the end of it, you will be the best version of yourself. Also, don’t forget that there’s people out there that care about you. When you reach your goal let them know that they were part of the process. I know we teens have a long way to go, a long way to figure out ourselves, but it’s never too early to just stop time and take a break.