Sorry

One two […]

Bent back, pulsing movements, in a heartbeat rhythm, controlled,diminished : as I started being a teenager, I stopped being myself at school, I was trying to fit the mould.
I wasn’t really able to socialize and the fear of people being judgemental over my tastes or habits I was keeping my voice low, myself low.

Timid gestures, rond de jambe soutenu*1, restrained, shaking, ends up in a plié seconde*2 : I was said to be too shy, too serious . Or was it me guessing out loud ?
Only a few persons could see through my shell, my family wasn’t even part of those.

Feet hit the soil, disharmony, slowly raising one arm, the other, closed hands, stop, head down : “How could I find the right place for my origins, for Cameroon ?”
I would wonder when my mother was talking to Ma’ Elise on the phone. An ephemeral accent striking directly my ears, as the thoughts about how I could ever be close to a family living with such a different reality.

Right foot, step forward, sissonne*3, head up, arche*4, open hand, fall back directly in balance : Music, my shelter, as films, books, as anything permitting daydreams.
They were my treasure, preciously kept in my bedroom, locked by “Only girls allowed” although it meant almost my whole family could come in.

Preparation 4th position*5, turn , rest right leg forward bent, left stretched backward : as the years went by, I learnt how to focus on happiness rather than over-thinking until I get lost.

Arms forming a “bubble”, in expansion : my friends helped me choosing when I want to be shy, serious, or not. They freed me of my fear of being judged.

Eyes up : my family reassured me about being myself, I noticed we were quite alike.

“Bubble” pops, eyes follow right hand down.

PS: Last year, on my bedroom’s wall, blossomed a green red and yellow flower. It pleased Ma’ and my grand father smiled gently.

Links to these dance moves’ schemes:

*1 http://www.larousse.fr/encyclopedie/images/Rond_de_jambe_soutenu/1001769

*2 http://img.over-blog-kiwi.com/0/70/38/02/201310/ob_fbfba7_exercise-second-position2.jpg
(2nd image)

*3 + *4 https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/26/81/a1/2681a19b43ddb8a85e7667e8df61fbbb.jpg

*5 http://pad1.whstatic.com/images/thumb/a/a5/Do-All-Five-Ballet-Positions-Step-7.jpg/aid1330550-728px-Do-All-Five-Ballet-Positions-Step-7.jpg