Sorry

Hi I’m Ana and this is the story of how loving myself changed my life forever. 

When I was 13 years old I started dating this guy who I thought was the love of my life and that we would get married and have a future together. I was a child and he was my first boyfriend; I was completely in love. The first red flag that I did not see is that we only talked for probably 1 month and barely knew each other, so the first time we hung out he said we were dating without even asking me to be his girlfriend. Everything seemed so perfect at first, but then he would constantly make hurtful comments about the pictures that I posted on Instagram and accused me of cheating on him with my friends. I would always feel bad because how would someone that I love so much insinuate those type of things about me, why would he say such horrible things about my friends? 

My relationship was a rollercoaster, it all seemed so good and then PUM! an argument or fight. 

I feel like my toxic relationship story feels urgent to tell because it is unique and I want to raise awareness about it. 

I faced challenges such as being lied to, gaslighted and manipulated to the point where I didn’t love myself anymore. I made the choice to isolate myself from absolutely everyone because I thought it would be the only way to keep that toxic person, however, when he left I was lonely and had no friends at all. Therefore I decided to start apologizing to everyone and slowly gaining my confidence back which was the best decision I’ve made since my best friend and real friends forgave me and helped me through this difficult time. 

While going through this process I felt like an ocean of emotions: anger, frustration, sadness, and what I thought it was love. I realized that when you get attached to someone, you completely depend on them, both physically and mentally. I learned that I was still immature and that even though I had been independent all my life, I was willing to do whatever it took to make him stay by my side because I really felt like I would die without him. I was blind and even my parents saw how toxic the relationship was they didn’t let me be in any more relationships afterwards. 

Now looking back, I’m surprised of how mentally unstable that made me and how far I was willing to go just for someone to stay by my side; I even told him I would commit suicide if he left. I’m not proud of what I did but I am glad that it happened, because it made me grow as a person and become stronger and smarter. Now, I’m not only happier but I learned what true love is and how people should treat me, because I’m worth it and I love myself, which should the most important thing in our lives. 

I want teenagers to know about my story because this is the audience I’m seeking for. This age is the one where we’re developing and growing and it is easy for us to confuse toxicity with love and think that we are being loved, when in reality it is obsessive and not healthy. If someone truly loves you, they’re going to value who you are and not try to change you. If someone truly loves you, they’re going to RESPECT you and not make you feel worthless. It is important to open our eyes and make wise decisions because it is not healthy to be with someone who lies and manipulates you into thinking you are the problem. 

I know it’s hard to believe it when you’re in that situation, because you don’t care about what anyone else says, you just care about the approval of that particular person, but sometimes you have to think clearly and look at ALL the things that have happened and how they have made you feel. They’re so many ups and downs it feels like a rollercoaster, because y’all could be fine and then at any time PUM! there’s an argument or a fight. The most important thing to always remember is how valuable you are and your worth, because others can’t love you and appreciate you when you don’t do so yourself or you don’t think you deserve it  

I want people to learn that if you don’t love yourself, it is impossible for you to love somebody else. I want teens to learn from my experience and learn that love should not make you feel bad or guilty and that also you shouldn’t stop talking or doing what you like only to keep someone who’s insecure about themselves. 

I want people to open their eyes and be aware of toxicity, not only in love relationships but in friendships and even working relationships.

Love yourself and don’t let anyone tell you what to do!