Sorry

My name is Amanda and I’m Cuban. I emigrated from Cuba three years ago and it still feels like yesterday that I was  living there. When I got here I spoke a little bit of English, but other than that I wasn’t doing well in classes and I could not adapt to life here, people seemed  too cold and fake to me. I lived with my aunt for almost two years, away from my dad (because he had to work in a different city) and away from my mom (because she couldn’t come to the US). It was hard, I was basically doing everything by myself, all that it was related to me it was my responsibility now. When I started school I was very scared, almost shaking, and for a good reason, I did not have friends for a whole 6 months, I used to just sit by myself and didn’t even eat lunch because I was too scared of walking to the cafeteria. My grades started to get better because I have never been bad at school so at least that helped a little bit. I was falling into depression without noticing, I stopped taking care of myself, and started sleeping the days away. I would get from school at 2:20 and sleep until 9, wake up, eat something so I wouldn’t faint and then go back to sleep until the next day. It was my coping mechanism for what was happening. At that point I had not seen my mom in over a year, some people might think is a little dramatic but to me is not, I had not been separated from my mom ever, she was the one that was always there with me while my dad traveled, so having to experience all of this without her support was definitely something hard to overcome. 

 I always tried to stay positive even though the feeling of loneliness and not feeling at home was eating me alive, piece by piece, inside out. When I reached my junior year it started to feel easier, I knew more people than when I got here and felt more comfortable around the frivolous school, because in a certain way I became a part of that, until one day. It was the day that we met. Honestly a lot of people might not like owing much of their progress to someone and they prefer to take all the credit, but I can’t do that because simply it’s not all mine. I met him in class and he was super sweet, and I was fascinated by how hardworking and ambitious he was, and I wanted to be like him, but I didn’t know how, I was also very in love with his personality, he made me forget about all the bad things that I was going through. It was like he threw me in a field of flowers, where everything was rose colored and I didn’t have to ask for anything because I had before I said it. At some point we started dating and became a couple, until now, and I can fairly say that he found me and saved me at my lowest point. He showed me what a healthy relationship was, and became my biggest supporter. 

  After a year and a half we got our residence approved and went back to Cuba. It was amazing seeing my mom again and all my neighbors, but it was also kind of sad. Like a bitter-sweet taste, when you go back to your happy place but your happy place doesn’t look like that anymore. All my friends had left the country and a lot of people that I knew too, there was less food and less resources and I could feel the hunger and the desperation in the air, it was like crossing a cemetery where there were no graves yet. When I came back I got my first job, I had never worked in my life, but I was willing to put in the effort and show everyone that I was strong, because I have always been strong, for everyone and everything, except for myself, so It was time for me to be it. 

  I hated that place, my coworkers were awful and very mean and rude, except for one girl that always tried to help me and guide me through everything. It did not help that I was the youngest worker in the whole restaurant and that I did not have previous experience. I would get there at 5pm and get out at 1:30 am smelling like food and sweat, and my boyfriend would just pick me up and try to give me strength. Anxiety came in, and I would cry in the bathroom, I would cry in the shower or anywhere nobody could see me because I had to be strong. I lost 25 pounds of pure stress and I would drink caffeine almost every two hours to keep me awake. Finally I sort of got used to the environment, I knew that it was not healthy but it was either that or no money, and I couldn’t afford that. Summer came in and I got the news that we were moving away. I started panicking because I would have to start all over again, and I didn’t want that, plus I would be away from my boyfriend, and that to be honest, was the worst part. 

  We moved here to my uncle’s house and lived there for almost 5 months. I started school and it was very surprising how nice everyone was here. I thought that I was going to go back to how I felt at the beginning, but it was the opposite. I trusted the process and hoped that everything was going to work out, and you know what, it did!! My dad and I moved to a small place and tried to make a life for ourselves for the first time. It was like putting two strangers together, but somehow we worked it out and now I can’t see myself without him. I applied to millions of jobs and would get rejected from all of them, until I got accepted to the one that I was expecting the least. I have always loved makeup and getting ready to go out, so this was perfect for me, and I was really excited and grateful for this opportunity of working at Ulta. 

 Right now my life may not be perfect, my boyfriend and I are still in a long distance relationship but we love each other more than ever, my dad has a good job and is able to cover everything that we need comfortably and my mom is here with me now. Yes, she came, we put her on the list for humanitarian parole so she could get a visa and come, and after almost a year, she got approved along with my great grandma. I have two amazing best friends that I thank Latinos in Action for giving me and a lot of other things like courage and braveness to be me and always take the risk no matter what, and that I too deserve to have an amazing future with everything that I have always dreamed of. To all of you out there, you are not your fears, or your weight, or your nationality, or your mental health problems, you are so much more than that and can achieve amazing things if you really put your mind to it. The best way to get past the tough moments is going right through them and learning from your mistakes and your past, and always stay positive, everything will work out in the end, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.