Sorry

There’s a lot I don’t know. For instance, I never know what I want to go eat. I know what I want out of life. I’m not entirely sure how I’ll get there, but  I didn’t know I had anxiety until last year. Honestly, I didn’t know there were words for a lot of the things I feel on the daily basis. I don’t know if I mean the things I say, or if I say them because they mean something to people. I’m afraid people do the same when they speak to me. There’s a lot I’m not sure about, but what’s been bothering me most is that I’m not sure in who I am. I have an idea of things that I like, things that I don’t like. The kind of people I like being around, and I have a pretty good idea of how people view me. There’s just this little voice in my head, another person but still me. It causes most of my doubt. It asks questions like, “Are you doing this because you’re a good person? It is because you’ll be praised for being a good person?” Those question sticks with me because it questions my own genuinity, am I the person I present myself to be? Am I who you think I am?

2 Who I am

People never really know who they are to anyone else except themselves. Perspective is inescapable from other eyes, I will only ever be who I am in relation to them. This is why I question my own character. There is a reason it’s easy to sing in the shower, why I can dance alone in my room even though I can’t dance. It’s easier to be you when no one is watching.  When people are watching, judgment comes into the mix. Often times, because you fear being judged or begin judging by yourself. By yourself, I mean me, because I’m speaking to myself too. that comfortability I find when I’m by myself is the comfortability I want when I’m around others. Not just comfort with where I am, but who I am wherever I go. An acceptance of everything I am, not only the things I love about myself but the things I’m working to love about myself. An acknowledgment of my current flaws, but a hopefulness to one day move on from them. That’s the kind of comfort I find when I’m alone. So I’ve been trying to figure out how to be me when I go outside.

3  Fixing

I have to be honest. I have to not only spend time by myself but with myself. Productively of course. You look in the mirror and you think to yourself, what if I didn’t look like this, what if I had blue eyes, well if I did this to myself I would so and so, without noticing you are judging yourself, see we are so used to have the mindset of always judging people that we unconsciously judge ourselves.  Actively learning self-acceptance, self-love, self-everything, I need to do for myself what I’m more than willing to do for others. It’s ironic because this is advice that I usually give, but I never take my own advice. I’m trying to do that now. So this part of my life, this part right here, is called finding comfort.

4 Happiness

Happiness

hap·pi·ness

/ˈhapēnəs/

noun

the state of being happy.

Family, friends, hearing the laughter of my loved ones

Seeing how their  skin wrinkles at the side of their eyes showing that they’re happy

Hearing the familiar voice of  my friends and family

That wake-up yell that I just want to tune out in the morning but miss it during the day

The smile I see on my parents face when they say that they are proud of me.

Looking at my grandma laugh and talk enjoying that fact that she’s here,

Talking and laughing with my friends happy that I found people to join me on this journey I call life.