Sorry

I decide to tell my story looking back at the past, looking at all the darkness that wanted to drown me. Today, after a few years, I decided to go back to the memories I wanted to erase so badly. I decide to tell my story in second person. So, without further ado, I begin to narrate part of her story. 

She is a little girl, longing to see daddy once every two weeks, she could even wait for 3 months. At the age of 7, her dad decided to leave. She was playing on the computer when she felt knocks on the door, it was her stepmother. She opened the little girl’s hands and placed $150 in them, while saying the following words; “Your dad leaves this for you, he doesn’t know when he will be back.” Every birthday she waited for a call, dad’s call, the call that never came. She spent her childhood watching mom cry, watching mom try to move forward alone. 

Since the day her father left, no one in her family talked about it. She never received a “how are you” from her brother, or her grandmother, from absolutely no one, they just pretended he hadn’t left, they pretended they hadn’t left a little broken and empty soul.

She didn’t want anyone to know about the pain she carried inside, so she took refuge where no one could see or hear her, where she used to cry for hours. Years went by, and she continued to keep her emotions hidden in her safe place; ‘the bathroom floor.’

Her mom used to cry alone, she knew her mom was asking herself what she had done wrong, what she had done to deserve her daughter’s suffering. 

Her mother emigrated for a better future in 2021, and she stayed with her brother at 14.

She had to learn to do everything because mom was no longer there, and dad had left years ago. She used to cook all the time, she used to make desserts, she used to clean and have everything clean at home, as her mother told her before she left. 

A year later, she was 15, and she decided to embark on the journey to reunite with her mom, after a year struggling to survive without her. Her mom’s journey was difficult, it was long, but it was worth it. 

At first, it was very difficult because she was alone with her mom in a completely unfamiliar country. When she started school, it was very hard because she didn’t speak the language, so she got bad grades. She tried to focus as much as she could, and luckily, she met people who helped her a lot. People who made going to school less difficult. A year later, she moved up to 11th grade, where she had the opportunity to join Latinos in Action. There, she met the people who make her day-to-day life more beautiful today. She met her friends, who have always shown to be there for her, and since she met them, her days have stopped being so gray. Meeting them was like looking up at the sky and seeing a rainbow after a long storm.

She often believes she never had luck in life, that since she was born, she was doomed to be strong. And I know she is, I know she is strong because she didn’t give up when she saw her world in darkness, she didn’t give up when she looked around and found herself totally alone. Nowadays, she continues to fight to overcome the void that her father left one day, if “father” can even be called. Nowadays, she still has questions; Why me?.

It’s incredible how someone can cause so much pain just by making a bad decision. It’s incredible how someone decides to leave without thinking about the consequences of leaving someone behind. It’s been 8 years, 8 years in which I still wonder what I did wrong. All because someone didn’t know how to stay, how to love me, or how to treat me like a daughter. All because of an adult who never faced the consequences of their actions.

Thank you, little me, for giving yourself the opportunity to continue, despite how hard it was, and despite how terrible life can be. Thank you, because despite all the absences, it was always enough to have yourself, thank you, once again, for not harming your body. I apologize, on behalf of life; because I know you didn’t deserve so much when you saw the world with innocence. 

I waited for him every night, I waited for him to come for me asking for forgiveness for leaving me; I even waited for him while asleep, but he never came. Sometimes when someone leaves, it’s better not to look back, not to ask yourself questions, and certainly not to question yourself. Nobody deserves abandonment; nobody deserves to be alone. 

Mom, if you ever read this, I want you to know that even though sometimes I may not be what you expect, or even though sometimes I may show actions you don’t deserve, I am very grateful to have you. I am grateful that you stayed with me, and for showing me that you had the guts as well as the pants. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need a dad when I have a mother who is worth two. Thank you for fighting for me, for my brother, thank you for coming to this country and risking your life to give us a better future.

I hope this story helps all those who once went through something like me, I just want to tell you that it wasn’t our fault, we didn’t do anything wrong, we didn’t choose to be here, much less did we choose our family. Let’s live the moments and be happy with those we have by our side, with those who never left, and don’t look back anymore, where they went, don’t look back anymore where one day unfortunately they left you.

The consequences of my silence haunt me still, a constant reminder of the wounds left untreated, the burdens left unshared. I implore you to break free from the shackles of solitude, to unburden your soul to those you trust most deeply. For in the embrace of understanding ears lies the promise of release from the suffocating grip of isolation.

Each of us deserves to be heard, to be seen, to traverse the landscapes of our memories without fear of being consumed by their shadows.