Sorry

My Struggles (Past)

Being diagnosed with depression was something scary and confusing at the same time. It kinda feels like someone came to you and told you that you have cancer. Why do I compare it to cancer, well you see Depression can happen to anyone for most reasons, which is the same for cancer. Depression spreads through you, you can feel yourself becoming weaker and weaker by the day especially when on a high stage. It consumes you whole, and you wonder how or why out of all the terrible people, why did it have to come to you, why did it decide to make your life harder? And the hardest part of it, and the scariest is when you don’t know when it will consume you whole, to the point that it decides to take your life away. Well, that’s how it was for me, being 9, diagnosed with Depression and feeling like a giant shadow of darkness mocked me. My Depression spread through my veins like someone pointed a needle in my arm and injected me with its killing drug. I was only 9, but I knew why it happened. Abuse. Neglect. Betrayal. I had no one but Depression. It never left my side and from there, I knew it would stay forever or at least for a long time.

My Struggle (Present)

I’m currently 16 years old, turning 17 on December 20th, and I still have Depression. Yeah, it never left. It stayed with me because it liked me so much or because it knew that it could break me down and I would blame myself instead of Depression. My Depression grew a lot over the years, I went through elementary school being bullied most of the time, once I reached middle school I pushed a lot of people away because my Depression caused me to hate others and myself, a lot. Now I’m in High School, I go to a school called Facing History New Tech and I still see the world the way I did when I was younger, black, and white.  I walk the hallways with the same shadow around me, still mocking me, still following me every single step I take. Ever feel like every step you want to take forward ends up feeling like 100 steps backward? That’s how it feel, as if I have chains wrapped around my legs and arms, dragging me down more and more. I do have my happy moments, but I can’t say that I am in a happy state of mind, Last time I checked, I found out I would actually never be happy, but would have happy moments. See, there is a line for an average person on their normal mood, my line is underneath that which means I won’t be able to be happy for now. It’s called PDD. Yeah, I know it sounds sad but it’s normal to me, dealing with Depression has been a lifestyle for me so hearing it seems understandable and normal to me, even if it isn’t for others. I’m not okay for now and it may take time but I accept it, even if  I don’t want to.

My Struggle (Future)

For my future, I do see my Depression being in my life. I do see myself having days where I don’t want to wake up anymore because death seems more comfortable then living. Living is hard, death is easy. I see myself still viewing the world black and white but I know that I will see more others. For my future, I believe I can fight back with my Depression even if the war leaves me with battle scars, I refuse to live my life behind a shadow that mocks me, I refuse to live my life the way Depression wants me to. Yes, living is harder than dying but I am not someone who will choose the easy way out. My depression will forever be by my side and it will drag me through the dirt but as much as it drags and pushes me down, I will get back up. And this, this is a promise to myself because as much as I don’t believe it now, I know I deserve to be happier.